Laguna's Mental Notes
by Tsumi-Amethyst
Summary: Laguna's thoughts when faced with discussing the situation at hand in Esthar to his son... Squall. Some spoliers, implied yaoi.


Tsumi – Amethyst: Nothing more than a few words of writing. Inspired by the song I need you – Tommy Lee & Andrew McMahon. Set sometime in the Third Disc… Right at the very end. Here goes nothing:

I need you. There's so much I want to feel with you. There's so much we need to discuss… There's not much left of your overall development, but I would like to make amends for the time lost in your early years.

There you go. Glaring at me again. I am not hurt because of the glare – You do that to everyone; even Rinoa… Your love interest. It pains me to think of you with her, but whom would I be to deny your budding relationship? Although I am your father, it is not my place. It would be hypocritical to do so.

Anyway. Back to the glaring. It hurts me because if you understood… Properly… If I actually came out and admitted that I was your father, then maybe, just maybe… You would look at me differently.

I'm not saying that you would immediately leap into my arms and tell me that you love me and always have done. It's not like you, and I would feel uncomfortable in you doing that; after all, I do not know you. You might as well be a stranger. I understand so little about you! Occasionally your comrades offer me a look of sympathy, as if to tell me that they are in a similar situation, but I can never be sure. When I stare for a little while longer, my mind wanders, and I am left with the jolt you feel when you realise you have no idea what is going on around you.

Before long you will be taken away from me again, and although ever reasonable notion in my mind tells me that I should be concerned, that I should do more for you than offer words of advice, heck, that maybe I should just object to the whole situation, but I can't.

Perhaps when this is all over, we can arrange to get together and… Socialise? Would that be the correct phrasing? To socialise with the seventeen-year-old son whom I have yet to speak with outside of awful circumstances?

Well, it certainly wouldn't be a family gathering. Your Mother is dead, I have lost contact with all other of our relatives, and I… Well, I would just be tongue-tied. My leg would cramp. I would mix up my words, my lack of communication skills making you roll your eyes, scowling as you finger your scar.

I have yet to discover how you got that. Was it during a training session? Or was it inflicted by an enemy who was lucky enough to hit you?

I can't ask about it now. There is business to discuss, and already I can see you becoming frustrated with my lack of conversation. Again, the blonde haired boy… I think you call him Zell…? Well, anyways, he winks at me, following the advice you probably gave him before this meeting – Keeping a straight face, and saying nothing.

Despite my best efforts, I find my mind wandering from the topic at hand. I can't help but grin at the interesting fellowship you have here. There you have Zell, the complete opposite of you, who is always speaking his mind, always loud-mouthed and a little wearisome, but he's a valuable asset to your team. I can see him itching to shadow box. Well, go ahead. I won't stop you. Honing your skills is an important part of this business.

And next there's the cowboy. He looks like he's had a hard time lately. Maybe you should lighten up a bit, son, and give him some attention. He looks like he could do with some. Perhaps the girl in your team, the one with green eyes, could cheer him up. From what I have heard, she's a charismatic, hyperactive girl who wields Nunchuks… Everything that is the opposite of Quistis. I know a little of her past, and despite herself, whenever she speaks, she sounds like an instructor. Her weapon of choice is a little… Frisky, and questionable, considering the variety of weapons in the group, and I suppose that leads me, eventually, to Rinoa.

I can't say that I know much about her, so this might sound a little… Horrible… When I say this, but Squall…

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!

She's hardly worth keeping on your team. I highly doubt that you allow her to fight much, considering that thing she calls a weapon. She whines too much for my liking, and I know that you like her a lot, but son… I would prefer you to be gay with Zell than date her.

Not that being gay is a bad thing, mind. Or that being with Zell would be bad. He seems to be a very nice person who has a lot of respect for you. I myself have… Well… I mean, in the past… Before your mother and I… Umm…

Ah! You've noticed I wasn't paying attention. I apologise for that. My attention span is quite limited these days to the thoughts of a strange, ageing man. Your eyes narrow, and I am certain that you find me intolerable. Perhaps I will grow on you, like I did with Raine.

I suppose now I will issue your assignment… Give you a briefing… Fill you in… Whatever you want to call it. But just know that I love you.

Not the person that you are.

But you.

My son.

Author's Notes: Don't flame me saying 'this wasn't actually said, no evidence blah, blah, blah…' because darling, there IS evidence, and if something happened in a certain way then excuse me. I have yet to get to that part in the game. I have only just gotten onto Disc Three. So thank you for reading. Please offer me some support and review me.


End file.
